January 2, 2014 § Leave a comment
Hands are such stunning sexual tools. There are just so many ways they can be used on the body. One of my favorite ways is to simply set your hand on your lover and hold it there. Hold their vulva, their penis, their breast. Sit quietly and let their body begin to thump under your touch. Don’t move, tickle or stroke. Just hold them and let them breath. Hold them until they wiggle and ask for more. And them hold them just a bit longer to inspire feelings of playful anticipation. It’s such a simple technique that has such possibility.
This post is inspired by a very touching letter I just received from a woman who is so beautifully conscious and growing in her sexuality. I asked if I could share it because I think there is much to learn from her. She generously said yes.
I attended your Girl Gasms class at Seattle’s Wild at Heart this past year, and I wanted to thank you in particular for the tip on simply holding my hand over my vulva to bring the blood and heat up. I’ve incorporated that into my masturbation with nice results.
I’ve attempted to add it into partner-sex, but have noticed that my recent partners (i.e., exes) have been admittedly too impatient to provide me with such stimulation. Last week I requested it during a session with a body worker and made a fundamental realization: the first thing I should be asking for in any sex negotiation – after safer sex standards, perhaps – is time. It was initially weird and awkward for me to just lie there while someone hovered patiently above me with their gloved hand on my cunt. I found that when we made eye contact, we’d both break into these goofy grins. I initially tried to fill the quiet with talk of my observations, but realized that the session was about keeping me in headspace, so I worked on receiving without trying to cater to – by way of second-guessing – my partner as much.
At the point where I accepted that I had plenty of time to relax and enjoy, I found that negotiation for adjustments became much easier. I wasn’t frustrated if he didn’t get it immediately, because explaining wasn’t cutting into what I considered to be a very finite amount of time to get it right before I catered to him. The more clearly and smoothly I could explain, the more I got what I wanted.
It’s all very simple, but this solution has been overshadowed by the fact that I’ve spent the last 25 years reacting to selfish partners who had their own agenda – either them directly or overlaying the memory of them onto the few good lovers I had. I’ve done a lot of work on myself over the past five years, so the temptation to kick myself or others for lost pleasure is diminished. Now I look forward to my sensual future.
Taking your class and practicing some of what I learned from it has brought me to this point, and I appreciate you making a career out of sharing what you’ve learned.